Movie Time: Funny Games

When I first saw the trailer for Michael Haneke’s Funny Games with Naomi Watts and Tim Roth I swore that I would never, ever in my life see this film.  It looked too terrible, too gleefully aware of what it was and what it was doing, and so smugly self-satisfied at being a piece of torture porn.  Sometime later last year I ended up reading Dana Stevens’ review over at Slate and in spite of a pretty mixed rating it seemed like the movie was doing some pretty weird stuff that invited a viewing.

Then this Friday I found myself bored and at blockbuster, and… well.

It’s brutal and awful and torturous and vile and deeply upsetting and everything I thought it would be.  I just wasn’t expecting the movie to be so beautifully shot, or so well edited.  It’s amazingly effective and I ended up really liking it in spite of how much it made me suffer. A lot has been made of the movie’s most transgressive acts against the viewer and the format of film as we know it – the breaking of the fourth wall, a rewind sequence that leaves you feeling like you’ve been punched in the gut.  After the first direct address—which is so uncannily upsetting I might have momentarily lost my mind—the trick gets less and less powerful.  As it becomes more and more obvious that the movie is really just a giant “FUCK YOU” to everyone and the culture of violence that we belong to/embrace/perpetuate/reward, the tension diminishes because it’s obvious that Haneke’s not going to change his mind. And the movie stops being fun when you can figure out how it’s going to end.

Anyway, forget all the crap I just wrote. This is definitely a film to watch if you want a challenge.  It is pretty heavy-handed at times, but it’s also beautifully produced and it just works very well as a thriller.  And it also has its more head-scratching moments for reflection later – like a long conversation between the psychotic duo regarding the malleable nature of reality and fiction at the end of the film.

P.S. Funny Games also prominently features a pretty bitching thrash metal song by Naked City throughout.  Which I’ve included here for your aural displeasure. Do whatever the opposite of enjoying is!

Naked City – Bonehead

Christian Bale is Trying to Kill Me In My Dreams

So recently I’ve been having more vivid, more memorable dreams than usual. My dreams have always been epic, long-form dramas that usually involve some level of intrigue, plot twists, explosions, spies, et cetera.  Last night’s dream was different, shorter, but it’s worth retelling here because it marks the beginning of a trend I find very disturbing.

I started playing Resident Evil 5 last night with a friend, and truthfully it is just a very fun game, and one that sticks in your head.  So naturally, I dreamed about zombies.  I dreamed I was fighting a bunch of zombies in a swamp with some other people, and after the battle was over and the combat music subsided, I clambered out of an old cabin window and walked around checking zombie bodies for ammunition and gold, because obviously zombies carry a lot of gold on them (who doesn’t?).  Then, Christian Bale walked over from another building, holding a bag and mumbling to himself.  Instantly I knew that none of my friends or I liked Christian Bale, and we all felt uncomfortable that he was here.  But he didn’t seem to be aware of this.  He made us sit down at a picnic table and then we sat for a moment in complete silence.

Then Christian Bale reached into his paper bag and took out a sandwich.  He gave it to one of my friends without saying a word.  He kept doing this until he ran out of bread, and then he just gave people big slabs of meat instead.  I ended up with a slab of pastrami, which Christian Bale mumbled was “fake, but still good” but I wasn’t sure what that meant.  It tasted fine to me.  He kept mumbling about all the weapons he needed and doodled little pictures of guns on his napkin, which everyone thought was weird. And that is basically where the dream ended.

Anyway, this dream was different because Christian Bale was not actively trying to hurt me.  Somehow, I’m not sure why this happened, somehow Christian Bale has become a regular fixture in my dreams.  And he is always angry.  He is like a manifestation of violence, a constant threat to my health, a perambulatory visitation of doom and dismemberment headed straight at me all the time, never resting, never stopping, unabated, undeterred.  A relentless juggernaut of cosmic pain trudging ever forward in my direction.  There is an end to all things, and its name is Christian Bale.

Anyway, so I’m basically afraid to fall asleep anymore.  We’ll see how long this lasts.  Maybe it’s the sort of thing where I have to visualize Christian Bale in a really stupid way to dispel this image of him as the destroyer.  Maybe I could watch Newsies?  I’m not sure, but I really need help here.

The Face of Spam

So if you’ve commented here you know that you get this cartoon face that’s determined by the letters of your name.  You might end up looking sad, or scared, or angry, even though that’s totally not how you really are (with a couple exceptions that I think are eerily accurate).

But anyway the point is I’ve been getting some more spam comments recently and check this one out:

Enhance.

Enhance.

So thanks, face-creator, for making sure I never, ever approve comments by this guy.

Just Got It Edit: Langoliers, anyone?

We’ll “disrupt” them? Oh, please.

ABC News:

Calling the situation in Afghanistan “increasingly perilous,” President Obama today announced an increase in U.S. forces in Afghanistan and said the United States and its allies must embrace a singular mission in the region: to “disrupt, dismantle, and defeat” al Qaeda and destroy its safe haven in the region.

Are you serious? Please.  Logistics aside, let’s consider the language here.  I appreciate your civility, man, but I would like to remind you that the ‘d’ word these people are most familiar with is Decapitate. Your d-words summon the following images:

1. Disrupt – Johnny Qaeda is strolling down the street with his papers and you run up and knock them out of his hands! Now they’re all over the place! That’s not cool, dude, not cool.
2. Dismantle – J.Q. just finished assembling all the new Ikea stuff in his apartment and it looks awesome, but then you walk in while he’s at work and you totally took it apart just to be a dick.  God, that took like hours, you asshole.
3. Defeat – What, are we playing Risk here? Perhaps a game of Connect Four? It’s time to think bigger.

To that end, perhaps it’s time to adopt tougher language when threatening such goons.  Let’s bring a new meaning to “3D.” I have a few proposals you might want to consider:

1. Dismember – Standard fare, I suppose, but laden with foreshadowing. The strength is really in the whole set here, I think.
2. Debone – After the initial confusion passes, and understanding dawns, you have effectively won the intimidation battle forever.  Dude, nobody debones.  Not even Jigsaw debones.  You have cornered the market on deboning.
3. Defecate – In this case we are shitting you, literally.  Another one of those ‘takes-a-second’ ones, finalizes the crazy cannibalism imagery.  Makes for an effective deterrent.

Of course, who knows what these words would translate to in Arabic.  Perhaps, translated, Obama’s 3D plan summons the same horrifying images of my own.  I can only hope so.